My Top 5 (Dudes)

Remember when I said I was going to post my Top 5? Like a week and change ago?

Ha.

Yeah.

I got back to Austin and started cocktailing. After drunkly falling down on a walk from West 6th Street and soberly falling down stairs on San Jacinto I'm finally ready. I'm pretty sure everyone has been on edge without knowing which overly preened, gay-ish men are in my Top 5, so without further hesitation let's do this.

First, may I establish some rules: a) being in my Top 5 allows me, despite my relationship status, if given the opportunity to canoodle with said member of the Top 5 with no repercussions b) he doesn't have to be alive, and c) he can be from a certain period in his life, not necessarily in present form.

Let's get to the man meat, ew - I can't believe I just said that...

My Top 5 (Boneable) Dudes

#5. Leonardo DiCaprio from 1997

(source - don't think that the source link is lost on me!)

I'm not a fan of *now* Leo. He got fat. You might call it "growing up" or "filling out" - I call it "He ate too many pizzones and got fat." I'm a fan of Romeo + Juliet Leo and Titanic Leo. I don't care he's a serious actor now, bring back the scrawny kid and I'm all about it. 

#4. James Marsden

(source)

The man can sing, dance, and look gorgeous. He's aging well and the dark hair and blue eyes are a throwback to my 8th grade crush. He might not be a good actor - guess what? Don't care. Read the phone book, stand there and look pretty, I don't care.

#3 Zac Efron

(source)

I don't care what you think, I love me some Zac Efron. If you're picking up on anything, I'm down with the blue eyed boyz. I dig 'em. Big. Time. High School Musical is my jam. ZEfron as Link Larkin in Hairspray made me swoon. The fact that he dumped that hooch makes me believe there is still good in the world. 

#2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt 

(source)

I'm what you call 127% IN LOVE with this dude. From when he was the annoying friend of DJ on Roseanne to the long haired little dude on 3rd Rock from the Sun, my love for J G-L knows neither a beginning nor an end. And then he shows up in Inception looking all fine and stuff. Can we discuss how freaking GORGEOUS he looks in a suit? And that picture up there? A BOWTIE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! BOWTIES = THE SEX. 

#1. Chris O'Donnell

(source)

Chris O'Donnell has been my idea man since 1992 when he was the conflicted Methodist with a Jewish roommate in School Ties. Then my love hit a fever pitch when he was (a masculine) Robin in Batman Forever. I almost went to Boston College because that was his alma mater, no, seriously. I had read in Premiere magazine that he LOVED Guinness and "it was so good it was like drinking Thanksgiving gravy". Me, being a big fan of Thanksgiving gravy and Chris O. figured this would be an alcoholic beverage made in heaven... Let me tell you: Guinness is NOTHING like Thanksgiving gravy. I don't fault Chris for this, but myself for believing anything would be as delicious as gravy. (I assure you I have not made that mistake again.) Chris O. is another one of my dudes who has aged well and I love that he's on TV...However, I don't watch his show. I like to remember him before he was gallivanting around with LL Cool J. 

And there you have it - my Top 5 boneable dudes. 

You quit your job what are you going to do next?!?

I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

Both statements are true, however the second isn't because of the first.

I put in my notice for my job a week and a half ago with no job lined up or even a clear idea of what I want to do. I do know that I want to be online more, tweet more, and be annoyed less. Other than that I've got nothing. So if anyone has any good or great ideas, you let me know ;)Until then, I'll see you at the Magic Kingdom!

2011... the year of honesty & truth

It hurts.

It ends up with you crying on your couch.

It makes you question just what. the. hell. you are doing.

What are you doing? Do you love it? Why are you doing it? Tell me.

I'm Ready.

It's always odd to finally find the moment of clarity after countless hours of obsessing, worry, agonizing, and analyzing something or let's be honest - someone. I love too quickly and too hard, I have idealistic notions of what a relationship should be, and ultimately, can not get over someone easily. I over-process conversations of past and question what could have been different or how I could have prevented the untimely demise of my "great American romance". Clearly hyperbole is not lost on me, but if you've ever met me; you know my boy crazy ways and my oh-so-painful crushes... And those who know me, know I always want what I can't have - you have a girlfriend?!  ZOMG you're the most desirable man, EVAR. You moved 4 hours away?! Please, please  let's start a relationship after only knowing each other a week, STAT! You're immature, in a go-nowhere job supporting your family and don't have time/money to be in a relationship (with me)? Well, slap my ass and call me Nelly. As much as I hate games, this is one game I can't seem to pry myself away from - you say you're unavailable, but can I get you? Yes? Meh... dunzo with you. No? Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Tonight (this morning?) as I was trying to go to sleep, I thought I'd check facebook (stalkerbook) to see what was going on. Inevitably I check up on a boy from the past and start looking around at pictures - shut up - you know you've done it too, stop giving me the face of judgement. Anyway, as I poked around on facebook I find a picture of boy with a new girl. Instead of my normal reaction of heart jumping into my throat and brain going into hyper drive;  I believe I said, "Meh... so there's that." My reaction surprised me and I realized... I'm over it. I'm FINALLY ready to move on.

I felt empowered. Invigorated (at 3:15 am). And ready to do something bold! I deleted phone numbers from my phone with only a slight twinge of hesitation on some, but hey - we live in the age of facebook. I deleted guys from my "favorites" on my facebook app and breathed a sigh of relief that their (frickin) adorable faces wouldn't be there they next time I logged on.

I finally got tired of torturing myself. I'm ready to stop blaming myself for why things didn't work out. I'm ready to let my ghosts of 2010 go instead of carrying them in my head and heart. I'm ready to feel free. I'm ready to be open to something new: be that a new guy or just enjoying being k8e. I'm worried I might relapse, but I know that this is a new feeling and I'm ready to see where it takes me.

Missing.

Are we never not missing something/someone/someplace? In an effort to get my life back on track after a fanastically fun, but emotionally/financially/drunkenly draining weekend I decided to turn the TV off, stop playing Angry Birds (die pigs.), and focus on quietness. I started making a cup of tea and as I sifted past the different types of tea, I choose my mother and my favorite, jasmine. I sniffed the loose tea leaves and it immediately took me back to visiting my maternal grandmother's house in Memphis. No matter the time of day (or night) my parents and I arrived my grandmother would have hot jasmine tea waiting for us in a large thermos. It made me realize I missed my grandmother and then I questioned if I never not missed her, or my dear friends and family afar, or the "one that got away", or that favorite shirt of mine that has been MIA for 7 years. Obviously, in varying levels of missing... Tonight as I write this and reflect on the day I am thinking of you: Mother, Daddy, Alissa, Bradi, Caroline, Kelli, Annette, Sarah, Jane, Vicky, Troy, Amy, Lara, Elizabeth, Claire, Layla, Joey, Josh, Fabian, Crissy, Billy, Reg, Brandon, Shawn, Sean, Hannah, Kelly, Lauren, Espie, Laura, Aprill, Aaron, Kyle, Mini Matt, Rebekah, JC, Amber, Michelle, Christy, Stacy, Emiko, Matt, Erika, Kat, Cristina, Jason, Summer, Cole, Belle, Rachel, John, Jon, Taylor... So many of you cross my mind throughout the day - I miss you & clearly, think about you.

Cha-cha-cha Changes

Lately... maybe not so lately? I've felt like I'm in a rut. Like I'm trapped. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way and it's good to know that I'm not alone... But, now it's time to do something about it. After a really good talk with a wise old man (hi Jimmy), I realized that I needed to shake things up. Try new things. Challenge myself. It has been so easy to get comfortable in my bad, bad habits, but ultimately, they don't make me happy. I'm trying to find what makes me happy. What makes me tick? What do I love? Where do I want to be?

Wise old man spoke of how I seemed conflicted between the life that I think that I "should have" and the life that I am "meant to have". I think he's right. Growing up, I always thought that I'd be married with kids at this point in my life, but why? This is probably where I'd go into a rant about how romantic comedies and Disney movies have ruined me for life (which they probably have...), but in my mind, that's "just what you did". Well, sitting on the upward side of the hill to thirty, I'm nowhere where I thought I'd be and part of me feels as though I have failed, but why? Because I'm not married? Because I don't have kids? Because I work an hourly job? Because I haven't finished graduate school (YET!)? I don't have the answers, yet... All I know is that I'm unhappy. I'm dissatisfied in how I spend my time, I'm sick of feeling inadequate in my own skin, and I'm tired of not having a purpose. And honestly, don't even get me started on my "love" life, because that is just pathetic with a capital, bolded, italicized p. But before I can even try and find someone to keep up with me, I need to work on myself. I've found myself bending and contorting to fit myself into guys' lives and ultimately ended up right here.... nowhere. So, instead of focusing on them, I'm focusing on me.

And let me tell you, there are some changes a-brewing. Stay tuned.

Falling Hard

I was headed to bed when I was quickly checking my google reader when I came across my dear friend C's tumblr post, which got me to start thinking about my own forays into love, like, and lust. 

Unlike C, I'm not gun shy about falling into these things, but I definitely fall. And usually pretty hard; which makes it difficult to pick myself up in a timely manner after it ends. Honestly, I'm still in the process of picking myself up from my last run in with like. And in true "it happens when you're not looking for it" fashion, I stumbled upon him and fell hard and quickly. Things ended as abruptly as they began and I was left with a myriad of questions and few answers. There were the requisite tears, over-analyzing, the coulda/woulda/shoulda's, the incessant talking about him/our time together with sympathetic friends who prayed to God I'd just get over it already.  I'm not it, but everyday is a new day and some days are better are than others. It hurts a little less, but nonetheless still hurts. He's usually the last thing I think about before going to sleep and permeates my thoughts throughout the day. So in a nutshell, yes, I fall hard. I'm not a woman of middle ground, but extremes: I love fiercely and passionately and hurt fiercely and passionately. 

And yet, I remain hopeful, that I'll find that happily and after. 

Liveblogging-ish the 2010 National Championship Basketball Game

So I had these grand plans of liveblogging the National Championship game, but then I had no internet. Then I realized I was late. And then I realized that noone really cares what I have to say, so really...this post is just for me. 

Prelude to a Championship

8:13pm – And I’m already late to the live blogging the National Championship game between Duke and Butler. Awesome. So much for a triumphant return to the blogosphere…
8:15pm – I questioned myself who will be my boyfriend of the game is: Jon Scheyer, Brad Stevens, or Miles Plumlee… Mmmm gangly white boys.

8:18pm – Introducing the teams: Butler… Honestly, I’ve never ever thought of where said University was/is…. I wonder if Brad Stevens has a facebook?
8:20pm- I wonder if the bulldog has ever crapped on the court? Oh man, I should have really thought this out more… I’m hungry & have not prepared a food plan of action.
8:22pm – Good to see that Duke is still actively recruiting from the great state of New Jersey.

First Half of the National Championship Game

20:00 – Game started. Got my sparking water in my Duke koozie. Good to see that I’m not only old, but pretentious with my choice of beverage.
15:34 – There’s a special place in my heart for Zoubek. He (painfully) reminds me of Lomers from Baylor. Oaffy, goofy, and incredibly slow.
14:15 – Does it feel like Duke has the D team in right now What is going on here?
13:41 – my internet decided that it wanted to take a break & watch the game too. That’s f’ing swell. So really, I’m just writing a diary to myself about the game. Totally not creepy or weird.
13:06 – That was a helluva a followup by Hayward.
11:46 – Making pasta is not really conducive to keeping an eye on the game, FYI.
11:20 – Maeby has felt the need to play fetch RIGHTTHISSECOND.
TV Time Out – Is it bad that I’m really excited to see “One Shining Moment”? Did you know that I used to listen to that MP3. Often? Yeah, I’m cool like that.
11:05 – My phone keeps dinging – apparently it’s my turn on Words with Friends… DON’T YOU REALIZE IT’S THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. WITH DUKE IN IT?!?!?
10:15 – I don’t like the idea of trading 3’s. But, okay.
9:23 – Still not loving this elevated court business.
8:56 - How about we rebound, boys?
8:21 – Okay, sure he just travelled, but I think that Jon Scheyer might be my boyfriend of the game.
TV Time Out – Butler up 20-18 – And my water boiled over. L
6:48 – Yeah, I’ve been in the kitchen making dinner. So help me Bob, if the Duke boys don’t start rebounding better, I’m going to throttle a 5 pound dog.
6:22 – As I teeter a very full bowl of pasta, a computer, & a 5 pound dog, I think I might invest in some TV trays on my next Target spree.
6:03 – Butler taking open 3’s like that make me freaking nervous. And Scheyer making his 3 is the only thing that keeps me from throwing my (internet-less) computer.
5:23 – Pasta needs more salt.
5:10 – Random clapping is scaring 5 pound dog.
TV Time Out: Duke up, 26-20, salt issue corrected.
3:50 – UGH REBOUND.
3:40 – SON OF A !!!!!!!!!
Time Out Duke up 28-26, shoveling pasta into my mouth fiercely.
2:23 – Scheyer Boyfriend Status CONFIRMED.
Time Out: Duke up, 30-27
0:03 – Ugh. Not how I’d like the half to end. But… Okay. Now I get to eat.
HALFTIME
I love that Duke students have taken the ‘shocker’ and turned it into the Duke pitchfork.

Second Half of the National Championship Game

20:00 – Don’t f this up Duke.
17:06 – A friend came over & has completely distracted me from writing. Yeah, can you imagine interrupting this AMAZING content?
16:50 – Seriously, if one of the Duke boys goes down or turns an ankle getting up on that plantform court, I’m going to cut a bitch.
16:00 – Yeah, we’re going to need to guard those open lay ups…
TV TIME OUT
The kid in the Coke Zero commercial was so not good looking enough to be spokesperson.
14:10 – Matt Howard from Butler looks like someone I’d have a crush on.
12:37 – Zoubek is such a goober. Butler’s jerseys remind me of Providence’s from 1997. I mean, I know they’re just dark jerseys, but sticks in my mind.
12:02 – That’s vintage Wojo !! Taking a charge ! Attaboy Scheyer !!!
TIME OUT , Duke up 47-43
Crissy just showed up. I think my live blogging will be even more sporadic and completely unintelligible. I need to floss. The kettlecorn might have found a new, painful place to reside. What conference is Butler even in? I suck.
11:18 – This 2^nd Half is going so much slower… It is making my tummy rumble.
10:56 – I do not appreciate the game being this close.
10:27 – How the F was that not a travel?!?!
10:26 – Great read on the inbounds play. Jon Scheyer marry me.
7:58 – MIGHTY, MIGHTY SCHEYER !!!
6:53 – Crap, I forgot what I was going to say.
2:14 – Huh? Is there a game on? Dammit, I stink at this.
1:36 – Let’s Go Duke !
0:54 – I CAN NOT HANDLE A BUZZERBEAT GAME. I AM TOO OLD AND WAY TOO FRAGILE !!!!!!
TIMEOUT: Duke up, 60-59
I might throw up if this does not end how I want it to end…
0:33  - Shot clock off.
0:13.6 – I feel sick.
TIME OUT, Duke up, 60-59
I totally want an iPad now… Damn you apple and taking over my life.
3.6 – That Butler cheerleader’s eyeliner scared me.
0.0 – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !
10:49 – I just placed my order for the locker room shirt. Actually. Last night I was on the Duke Store website & had filled a cart, but held off from ordering stuff until tonight. I’m sure glad they won because I sure needed to spend that extr

a $20…. Totally worth it. 

Go Duke !

Twilight Zone

Have you ever zoned out and then you realize that you were out of it, but continue to hang out in that limbo world?

That's where I am right now. I'm here, but I'm not. I enter into conversations, but I'm not engaged. I'm exhausted, but for no reason. I'm sad, but I can't completely pinpoint why.

I've never been much of a crier. Movies, TV shows, songs, and commercials don't usually faze me, but recently I feel as though at any moment I could break down in tears.

Starting tomorrow I'm snapping out of this twilight zone I've been living in and being proactive to finding what makes me happy, what motivates me, and what makes me feel alive; because right now I don't feel any of those things.

Stay tuned, friends.

Hello... one reader !

I'm thrilled to make my *epic* return !! Actually, it's not that exciting and unfortunately, I don't have anything exciting to report... Except:

• I'm super excited to see "The Last Song". Yes, it's true. It's the Miley Cyrus movie and YES, it's going to blow. But, I'm going to see the matinée & not drink booze at the Drafthouse... so, it's almost like winning. 
• I was at my local bar & when we were going to leave there was this a semi-cute guy who walks in with a leather jacket... the reason that is important is because it's the end of March and most guys in Texas don't wear leather jackets now... ANYWAYYYY, this guy comes in and he looks about 15 1/2 and of course that peaks my interest !! He sits at the bar & J cards him.. cute boy pull out a passport and... wait. What was I saying??
•  Oh, okay... yes ! Okay, so it turns out to be an actor. A very cute actor who has been in a very profitable movie this past summer. BUT ! He was in a hilarious movie that I currently have in my possession via Netflix!! I almost thought it was fate...until he was in "deep" conversation with a girl who had no f'ing clue who he was before I said he was in Star Trek.

And no. He wasn't Chris Pine. Because quite frankly this post would be about how I ended up in jail because I forced myself on Chris Pine.